A PROPER GUTTING

In a derby match for the ages, the Portland Timbers took to the field with one mission: to turn the Shittle Flounders into sushi. The much-anticipated showdown at Providence Park turned into a spectacle of fish filleting, as the Timbers, armed with chainsaws and lumberjack spirit, showed no mercy to their aquatic rivals.

The first half was a cagey affair, with the Flounders desperately trying to keep their heads above water. Their slippery passes and floppy defense were barely enough to keep the Timbers at bay, and by halftime, the game was still scoreless. But the Flounders were merely delaying the inevitable; the Timbers were just sharpening their knives.

Early in the second half, the match turned into a veritable fish fry. Evander, with the finesse of a sushi chef, danced through Shittle's defense and delivered a perfect pass to Mosquera. Mosquera didn't hesitate; he blasted the ball into the net, sending the Flounders flopping and gasping for air. The roar from the Timbers Army was deafening, a clear signal that the gutting was underway.

The Flounders tried to regroup, but their attempts were about as effective as a fish trying to climb a tree. With every failed pass and flubbed shot, the Timbers fans erupted into chants of "GUT THE FISH!"—a call to arms that resonated through the stands. The Timbers doubled down on their seafood special, adding more goals that turned the match into a full-on fish market massacre.

By the final whistle, the Flounders were well and truly gutted. The Timbers stood victorious, holding their chainsaws aloft like conquering heroes while the Flounders, now nothing more than fish sticks, swam back up north to Shittle, their tails between their fins.

In the end, it was a derby day to remember for the Timbers and a day to forget for the poor, hapless Flounders. FUCK SEATTLE!